It's been long since I've written anything, been a very interesting few months that I'm not sure how I'm actually feeling right now, lots of different feels, hurt, angry, confused, sad, happy but most days sad. you know how you try so hard to be happy for the people around you and when they aren't you break? that's how it's been for me as soon as i'm alone it's like the floodgates open and let loose. There always seems to be an internal battle, over analyse things and i try not to but I just do.
Only the 3rd month in and it feels like a long year already, I've gone from being worried sick about my dad now to my mum, I've "lost" someone really important to me to someone else I think, seems as if my friends are slowly drifting away that I don't know what to do and people who once really cared are not. Or maybe that's all in my head but it certainly feels that way.
It does feel as if, if I disappeared no one would care, or they would for a little bit and then not.
And then theres the issue with my brother who seems to enjoy bitching about me and starting rumours about me and stealing from me .... and to think that I actually wanted to have that close brother/sister bond was clearly not thinking. it's gotten to the stage that honestly I only actually talk to him if i absolutely have to talk to him also hide out in my room to avoid him.
And I try not to let what he says about me hurt me but it does, it just like how could you hate someone so much that you would say and do those things.
will I ever know?
will i ever be 100% happy?
will i ever be loved by the person I love?
too many questions and no answers.
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